


dear dan

by waveydnp



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Brief Reference To Suicidal Thoughts, Canon Compliant, Depression, Epistolary, M/M, POV First Person, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-23 02:14:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23204068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waveydnp/pseuds/waveydnp
Summary: dan writes a letter to his younger self
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 24
Kudos: 146
Collections: phandomficfests: escape from reality





	dear dan

Dear Dan,

I guess I’m supposed to start this letter by telling you that things are going to get better.

They are. This, what you feel now, this is the shit. This is the absolute worst of the shit, and you just have to keep hanging on, because it really does get better. 

That’s what I’m supposed to write. I’m not sure why, because you’re just me, and I’ve already done the hanging on, and things still feel pretty bad and scary a lot of the time, but I guess it’s true that things are better now. Like, in an overarching kind of way. The baseline of shit these days is nowhere near what it was back then. 

You have friends now, and you don’t have to pretend to be anything you’re not. They know you’re not straight and they don’t hate you for it. They know you get hyper fixated on weird shit and they’re usually willing to listen to you rant about it without making you feel like an idiot. They love you for who and what you actually are and they’re there when you need them. 

You have a best friend who’s also your boyfriend. Just hang on a couple more years and then you’ll meet him. He’ll listen to everything you say like it actually matters. He’ll say nice things about you in front of other people and he won’t follow it up with something mean. He’ll kiss you back. He’ll tell you he loves you and that you’re the best person in the world. He won’t run away when things get hard. He’ll make you laugh like no one ever has. You’ll have good sex. Like, really good, probably because he loves you and your body so much that eventually you’re not afraid to actually tell him what you like. You’ll hate yourself a lot less when you realize that he means the nice things he says about you.

This isn’t supposed to be a love letter to Phil, but like. It’s important, the thing you have with him. You’ll build a life together. And honestly, sometimes it’ll be really fucking hard. I can’t say that it won’t be. You’ll spend the first few years with no money, afraid to breathe in his direction because everyone online suspects you’re together and you’re not ready for them to know. (You’re still not. Mostly. But maybe someday.) Actually, that’s another thing. The fans. You’ll have fans!! That’s actually a thing that’s going to happen. I could write a whole letter about that, too, but that’s not what I’m supposed to be doing here. I’m just saying, the getting better thing doesn’t happen all at once, and bad things still happen in between the getting better parts, but it does happen, and Phil is a big part of that. 

I don’t know if things will ever be better with your dad. I’m still waiting for that to happen. But I think someday you’ll be able to forgive your mum. I’m still working on that, but I think it’ll happen. Family is hard. That doesn’t really change, but it won’t feel so all consuming when you’re older, because the thing about family is that once you’re grown up, you get to choose. You get to build your own life and fill it with people who lift you up instead of tear you down. 

You get to have a space that’s yours. You get to decorate it how you want. You fill it with things you like and you make it yours. Yours and Phil’s. You move to Manchester, and then to London, and sometimes it’s bloody terrifying but you never really have to do anything scary alone anymore. You’ll be braver than you know. You’ll do some really cool shit. You’ll even make yourself proud once in a while. 

I’m supposed to tell you that it’s okay. I guess that’s the real point of writing this letter. It’s an exercise for me, obviously, because you are me and we’re in therapy now, and all the shit I’m trying to unpack started with you. And if I can tell the me that is you that all the traumatic shit that happens to you is okay, then I can believe that the me of today can heal from it for real. 

I don’t know if that’s true. I wish I could believe that it was. But I know that it isn’t your fault. And I can tell you for sure that there’s nothing wrong with who you are. There’s nothing about you that makes you shameful or unloveable, even if it does still feel like that sometimes. At least now I know when the bad thoughts are irrational. Now I know that I’m queer and it’s okay. It’s not bad or wrong. There are people who think it is, and they are going to hurt you, and it’s not your fault. I’m glad you didn’t do the thing you used to think about doing. I thank you for that all the time in my head, and I wish I could go back in time and tell you how brave you were for making that choice. I don’t know if we can ever fully heal, but I know I’m so fucking glad that I have the time to try. 

I know that Phil is glad. I know that I make his life better just like he makes mine better. I know you think your life means nothing, but that’s not true. You’re going to make a lot of people happy over the course of your life.

That’s the point. I get it. The point is for me to step outside myself and look at my life with some sort of objectivity. So yeah, it’s still hard a lot and I still hate myself sometimes and I can’t always help what my own brain is gonna put me through or how hard the memories are gonna hit. But it’s definitely going to get better. For you, and for me, and maybe ten years from now, I’ll be the one getting a letter from my future self. Maybe the getting better never really stops as long as we keep reaching for it.

Thank you for getting me to this point. Thank you for doing your best. I’ll take it from here.

Love,  
Dan

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to mandy for the prompt <3


End file.
